Posts Tagged funny

What the Bernie?!

This last weekend I went a traveling (more details next week) & visited two towns not pronounced the way they are spelled. I was mocked for my pronunciation difficulties by my Dear family. Four places in Texas I know are said different than spelled.
Is it:
Mexia or Mahayah?
Boerne or Bernie?
Buda or Boodah?
Gruene or Green?

All are pronounced the second way but spelled the first way. Where have you traveled that was a speaking nightmare?

I’ll end this with a joke. Two men are driving to South Texas. They start to argue about how to pronounce Mexia. One swore it was Mexia & the other swore it was Mahayah. They stopped for lunch at the local DQ for lunch. Exasperated, one of the men turns & looks at the waitress. He tells her to tell that fool how you pronounce the name of this place! She turns, looks, and lowers her head to his and says real slowly, “it’s called dare-ee queeen.”

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First comes Love, Marriage & Baby Carriages!

Last week I covered the second half of that childhood taunt, talking about weddings. I had a big to do this last Saturday for family & they spawned that topic.
This last Sunday I had a baby shower & the Saturday before last. I’ve hit my stride of many to do’s. So far not broke, but getting there!

These following points are baby shower thoughts & tips… feel free to add your own in the comment section.

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* Baby 1: The hair bow should not be bigger than the baby’s head. Common sense people!

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* Baby 2: How to be better parent books are to only be given if specifically asked for. Be nice & remember to keep your mouth shut, their parents will do enough ‘teaching’.

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* Baby 3: Diaper poo guessing games are not everyone’s cup of tea, do not make them sniff melted snickers if they don’t want too.

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* Baby 4: 5,000 onesies in size 3 months is nice … unless the baby is 12 lbs at birth. Buy different sizes to grow into. 

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* Baby 5: Never ask another woman at the baby shower when she’s due too. A) not her shower & B) she’s probably not expecting.

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* & Baby 6: Do not give the mother a Buddha statue to help remind her of her last 9 months. Of course, if the baby’s room is Zen-ified, that might be okay.

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How to Keep Your Mother Happy (& Avoid Debt) This Mother’s Day

How all Mothers feel when they have ‘alone time’

I post that in jest… but actually, in all seriousness…

I’m not sure how many times my mother has uttered this statement… but it’s been said at least once. She didn’t bite Barbie heads, but I think she used the lock on the door to keep herself in not to keep us out.

So if your Mom is anything like my mom, the thing she treasures most is her sanity. I’ve got a few things that could reboot her sanity (and keep you from taking out a second loan).

How to Keep Mom Happy (AND YOU DEBT FREE):

Techie Gifts:

  • Buy a webcam and set up video chatting, that way your mom can avoid the embarrassment of video recording herself trying to call you
  • Digitize all her photos that way she can order reprints of your first bath for your boyfriend’s viewing when he comes over for Memorial Day festivities.
  •  If she’s a recipe hound help her set up all her recipes on her phone or computer through some creative apps and websites to make it easier on her for those last minute items.

Outdoorsy Gifts:

  • Plan a Picnic in the backyard, give Dad the grill and spread a blanket. Offer up a word of Thanks and a wand of bubbles for Mommy & Me time.
  • For a little more adventurous time, grab an inner tube, grab your Mom (Sunblock too), pack an ice chest, and head to the River and share favorite moments you’ve had with her.
  • Plant a tree or bush and have a small plaque done up in love for her.

Introverted Gifts:

  • Make little gift goody bags to celebrate her the whole week, an item (such a rubber ducky with a poem about how she’s the one for you), a note & simple I love You.
  • Spend the day reading around the bookstore (like Barnes & Noble) picking favorite books, pictures, and gaggle at image books.
  • Make a homemade rice bag heating pad. Buy a little lavender, get a nice, NON USED tube sock, fill with uncooked rice/lavender, tie in a knot, and let mom enjoy a soothing back heater whenever you next stress her.

Extroverted Gifts:

  • Go Karaoke, and give a Tribute to Your Momma with some funky Motown Classics, or ham it up with some Dion or Houston.
  • Plan a big tea party for multiple moms and collaborate with her best friends so that you and their kids can toast Moms everywhere.
  • Arrange for dance lessons, and if they run a little high for your budget, rent a video from the library. Then once skilled, take her out for a spin.

Young Kid Gifts:

  • Coloring page coupons for free hugs, no tear room clean ups, booger free dinners, or dress up nights.
  • Make a crown and scepter, and pronounce her Queen for a Day, and all commandments were to be said in Queen Mommy Says…
  • Have the adult cut out a door hanger, or buy a foam one at Hobby Lobby/Michael’s and have decorate so Mom can claim silent time.

This is how your Mom could be during ‘alone time’

Just remember, tell her you love her and that you appreciate all she does, ALL YEAR ROUND.

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AppleAsics for the inept

Have you ever cooked apples and have them fail?

I have a few tricks and know-how’s for your apple needs. After I give you a little background on apples.

Trivia #1 Apples are related to Roses. Did Moses supposes that his toeses were roses? Of course not! He supposes that his apples were roses.

This is what happened when Moses supposed. BAD IDEA.

Trivia #2 Apples peak in October but stores carry certain brands all year round.

Mmmmm Apples!

Trivia #3 A regular medium apple has a minimum of 4 grams of fiber. Eat that skin. (If you want an apple that doesn’t brown quickly for party fare – pick Pink Ladies)

Why eat 'powdered' apple fiber when you get the real stuff anywhere??

Trivia #4 Don’t leave your apples out willynilly, they get all kind of mealy real fast. Put those apples in the refrigerator!

See, these people know how keep their apples fresh & crispy!

Now, if you need to know of apples to bake click  here. But if you just want to know how to properly core, peel, cut & cook keep on reading below…

Core & Peel:

Use an apple corer to remove the stem, center (with seeds). Peel after you core, and see how long you can make the peel. Up north there’s many a contest for length of peel.

Something simple like this one from OXO

Or something that does both. 🙂

Cut & Slice

Stand up the apple, slice in half (top to bottom). Cut halves into wedges or thin slices. If you’ve a mandoline use it to make the skinny slices for your perfect pie or tart or pan fried apples.

Apples are slivered and sliced

Stuff n’ Bake

If you want to just make some quick baked stuffed apples, peel top 1/3 of apple, core almost to the bottom, but use a melon baller/spoon to scoop out the core, but leave the very bottom so your filling won’t cook out. Fill it with your favorites, butter, brown sugar, nuts, raisins of both colors, cranberries, or other dried fruit with some spices. Place in a square glass dish lightly sprayed with cooking spray, and cover with foil. Cook at 350 for about 45 min; and cook another 30 uncovered. Put it in when you start dinner, have a lovely slow dinner with good company and relax. When you’re ready to uncover, play a quick game of Charades and eat!

Waiting on your apples to finish? Don't get too bored.

Get baked…

Something else you can do easily enough (& healthily enough) is make your own apple chips. Use that nice mandoline that you used earlier to make paper thin slices. Arrange them in single layers on baking sheets lined with parchment. Sprinkle a little sugar (or not if you really want to be super healthy) and bake at 200 for 1 1/2 hours until lightly browned. Remove and cool on a wire rack and seal in airtight containers to keep from getting too chewy. You could always try a few spices like cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg or what else you like dusted over your apples.

Crispy thin and great for decorating.

Get to it!

Find your favorite bloggers, websites or Pintrest site for apple-liscious recipes or try your own hand at new twists on old favorites.

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